CHAPTER XIX


The porch glass reflects a face drained of soul. Beyond, the aurora borealis - green-white, ghost-white. Ian walks into his reflection, stands at the window, watches the heavens. Absence ...

A reliquary of dreams?

Meteors blaze. Blink out. So too the miracle of spirit: brilliance to dark and cold.

Ian walks away from the window. He sits down and looks at the copy of, Love in the Time of Cholera. What was it he read? - Suicide may be due to unrequited love? - 'Marian gave me this?'

Unrequited: unreciprocated, unrepaid, unavenged. Different shades of sadness, guilt, anger, madness? Different judgements: insufficient, incompetent, untimely ...

Unaware.

Ian goes out to the kitchen, pours himself a water glass full of bourbon. He downs it, choking back the vomit. Hears the clock chime eleven. Two and a half hours and no memory of that time.

Ian walks, unsteadily, to the porch, plops into his chair. He sleeps two hours, then wakes up cold and sweating. His head pounds. He sleeps again, dreams that he is chased along a corridor. Walls closing in ... A light. But a long ways off. And it's moving away. No ... It's moving toward him. White fills the corridor. Dead white ... Ian wakes, yanks the window open. Vomits.

Ian falls back into his chair. A breeze lifts the stench of vomit into the room. He closes his eyes and ... white squeezes his chest, his neck ... He can't breathe ... He will die if - but that's what he wants. To die into innocence, judge the accusers ...

Let them go.

A harbor bell sounds.

Ian wakes, reaches for a glass of water. It spills on an old leather journal - Dianna's. He picks it up, cleans it off with his shirt, places it in his lap ... Nods off again.

'Open the journal, Ian. Everything is there. Yes, I know, you've already read it. But you haven't understood it. I was miserable. Everything was taken away from me. Everything I had. Everything I wanted. Christ! I was taken away! ... '

Another bell sounds and sounds and sounds ...

It is a tale of unrequited love

a tale of two and one and two and one ...

It tells of unmeasured intellect, measured, qualified feelings,

intoxication sexual frenzy

diffuse profuse need,

quiet refusal ...

Telling confusion telling lies

saying 'I love you.'

saying 'I told you.'

But in the telling ...

It may all be hallucination. But it's all you have. Wake up. Read ...

A siren - And in the wake ...


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